2am

Staring aimlessly at the flickering light
The night’s illumination.
Isolated and cold in this prison,
Bracing myself for the dawn
Hoping it never comes because
I’ll have to face what I did, what I’ve lost and
The realisation that you’re gone,
Gone from my life
And I was the cause
And that I’m the reason I’ll never wake up beside you again
I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.

I still remember our first date.
The way the corners of your mouth rose
And you laughed at my jokes.
And laughed at me.
But it was okay, because I laughed at myself too.
I remember the way you cut your steak.
How you used your left hand to hold the knife-
The knife…

Four years we lasted, together, as one.
One body,
One spirit,
One mind. Four years until I found
You unclothed in my bed
With another
With your feeble excuses
Desperately scrambling for your clothes
And I stormed out.

Alcohol fuelled my rage
Head was spinning
Wasn’t thinking straight
Anger bursting like a wine casket
With anger
With anger
Brandishing a knife
Blade piercing your soft pale skin,
You hit me, desperate to escape my wrath
It was all over in an instant

I still hear your laughing
I still hear your screams
I still taste your lips
I still taste the booze
I still smell your perfume
I still smell your blood
I still remember you. I still remember us.

Tomorrow when the dawn comes I’ll face the music
Face the courtroom and face reporters
And journalists. They see me as a monster.
I am a monster.
I deserve this. I accept this.
I’ll plead guilty
For your sake
In memory of you.
In memory of us.

Bernard Tso 9L

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