Staring aimlessly at the flickering light
The night’s illumination.
Isolated and cold in this prison,
Bracing myself for the dawn
Hoping it never comes because
I’ll have to face what I did, what I’ve lost and
The realisation that you’re gone,
Gone from my life
And I was the cause
And that I’m the reason I’ll never wake up beside you again
I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.

I still remember our first date.
The way the corners of your mouth rose
And you laughed at my jokes.
And laughed at me.
But it was okay, because I laughed at myself too.
I remember the way you cut your steak.
How you used your left hand to hold the knife-
The knife…

Four years we lasted, together, as one.
One body,
One spirit,
One mind. Four years until I found
You unclothed in my bed
With another
With your feeble excuses
Desperately scrambling for your clothes
And I stormed out.

Alcohol fuelled my rage
Head was spinning
Wasn’t thinking straight
Anger bursting like a wine casket
With anger
With anger
Brandishing a knife
Blade piercing your soft pale skin,
You hit me, desperate to escape my wrath
It was all over in an instant

I still hear your laughing
I still hear your screams
I still taste your lips
I still taste the booze
I still smell your perfume
I still smell your blood
I still remember you. I still remember us.

Tomorrow when the dawn comes I’ll face the music
Face the courtroom and face reporters
And journalists. They see me as a monster.
I am a monster.
I deserve this. I accept this.
I’ll plead guilty
For your sake
In memory of you.
In memory of us.

Bernard Tso 9L


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