How do you live with yourself, with your own expectation, and those of others, to be better than you are when you know that you just can’t be any more?. I spend a lot of time going over things over my head, no one knows me better than myself and yet, I cant fathom why that’s a curse. Actually I totally do, I’m selfish, setting high expectations while being too lazy to reach them and by far, I think I can be the biggest prick that I know. I have some serious issues. But let’s not psychoanalyse everything about me, just the matters doing my head in.
Being such a self aware person, it’s easy to spend hours on end hating myself. Hating my circumstances, hating the way I am, hating that self righteousness that don’t I deserve better? Surely I deserve better than being in that dead end of a path repeating every year, from the holidays where I wasted my times of self improvement, to the weeks in the term where I regret everything. I.Despise.Myself. The way I am; my body? My family? The religion I was born into? …..the way I look. And being terrified of not being smart enough. It seems like one of those vague dreams where I was doing well…(in primary school) being happy with my results, study habits, being naturally smart. And as of now, being surrounded by the genii of our school. Why did I get in? I am yet to prove that intellectually I belong there, and this is what I am left with. My amazing legacy, the trace of extra/co-curricular activities I participate in. My friends and family ask me multiple times why I am so involved in what I am and you know what, I’m just a scared and trapped little attention whore. I’m writing this for attention, in fact. And I LOATHE knowing that about myself.
I’m definitely digging myself a grave, while simultaneously trying to build my way out of it. I’m in a loop with myself and I don’t just want out, I wanna blow the whole freaking joint up. But you know what, back to self hating, I can’t get past the fact that I’m nothing compared to what I keep building myself up to me. Every moment to myself thinking about I recently did, every glance at my reflection in the mirror. SOMETIMES I FEEL LIKE THROWING UP WHEN I SEE ME. it’s like a nightmare where you keep wishing it to go away and sometimes you forget about things, let yourself go.mbut you know what, you just let yourself go im the middle of the sky and now you’re pummelling back into the real world with your heart and mind in two different places. Brewing apart in the free fall, and looking for a recluse, a hiding place. But you can’t hide from yourself.
Well that’s enough for now. If I ever have such a deep moment of self hatred I’ll be sure to pop it down. But for now, that’s all. And sorry if this is a roller coaster, in fact, more like multiple roller coasters and you’re jumping inbetween trying to get your head around what it is im trying to say. I guess this is more for me than anyone else.